:... is what i wrote 12 and a halfish hours ago. I couldnt be correct-er. As I climbed up the stairs of my apartment building, I thought: "I have no energy to argue on the incident report I got at school today. I'll just shrug it off and go to sleep.". Right as I got home, my mom wanted to remind me of the call she got for me sleeping in class. (the worst thing about this is she tried to be vague to see if I confessed to something else. She Does This EveryTime. and it sucks cause I always have something worse hiding below the current incident) But instead of asking me what happened, she immediately accuses me. I can't hold it in and jump on my defense.

:This is so annoying. Right after I wrote that (quote:title), I wrote "ADHD is a curse." right below it.
How does my mom still manage to pretend it's not real despite apparently agreeing with me that I do have the condition? Why does everything bad I do has to be completely my fault and Why does everything have to be black and white forever. This is so tiring. She doesn't comprehend what I say, she doesn't relate to my experiences. She thinks that maybe if she isolates me from every outer dopamine fix, it'll fix me completely!!! That's not how it works!! I could be locked in a room with no screens, and my brain still doesn't allow me rest. I can't stress this Enough. It starts rushing the moment I think about stopping. When I lay on the bed I remember about around 10 things I wanted to do today, when I lay down and I look right SUDDENLY.. 'WHUH!!! look at that!! my desk has [Thing] in it. I thought I threw that out today. Let me do that.' and then I look left and 'WA IT.. my cat. did I put food in his bowl before laying down? water? cleaned his sandbox? Hm. No I can't get up now. Later.' so I look up and 'Oh No. the hole on the ceiling. i forgot to tape it shut. Fuck. now the cockroaches are going to fall on me again and I'll have an attack. But I can't do it now... I have to sleep...' and the more this goes on, the more my mind gets restless. So! I put on my sleeping mask! Oh no. My mind is now venturing through abstract concepts. I'm evil. Story. Characters. My characters... Lore! Write! Now! Ideas Ideas Ideas Ideas Ideas Ideas.Wait, doubt. doubt doubt doubt. Hm. I should google this. Oh but.I need to sleep. But if I sleep I'll forget all of this. Aaaaah no...I don't want to... I feel awake. real. I don't want to sleep... And forget all of this...

:So, eventually. I give in and I get up. I go do all my tasks. While i'm doing one, I remember another one. So I do that one. And then i remember another yada yada ad infinitum... Eventually I lay down on the kitchen floor. Dizzy. Eyes hurt. Noooeeeessss.... I still don't wanna sleep. Im still awakeeeee..... But I can't help it anymore. pass out in bed (or floor). wake up. It's too late. I feel free! I lost my whole day. I lost hours of it. I'm hopeless. ... ... ... Let's just get ready for school...

:Ad. Infinitum.

:I really need the meds. I think the sleepless part is the worst part of it honestly. Tortuous. I want to do something but just can't. Fucking stupid how this happens with actual tasks too????? Fuck off brain